overrated

i am not the great captain that everyone thinks i am. if i was, people would think i am a great captain. i should be eager to get back out to sea and hunt whales or pirates or sea-elk. i have a poor attitude concerning this. i feel content here on shore just bumming around and having banana eating contests and drinking daquiris and burying my feet in the sand and reading a book and playing in this new band i started and hammocking and enjoying a back rub and teaching the local children about sexually transmitted diseases and hanging out at the tavern or the pub or the bar or the saloon and drinking the local rum and using the dune buggys and carving bullets and recording mix tapes and erecting statues of family members of mine all over the place and handing out pamphlets about new types of bread that i learned how to make with a new breadmaker i bought at the same place i bought the trampoline and water skiing and using the trampoline and spraypainting dirty words on windmills and supplying weaponry to the warring factions of the neighboring town for a large profit and watching old episodes of a show called platinum gary that i recorded about 12 years ago and trying to invent a new type of exercising that i could write a book about and having pig roasts and concocting plans and wearing a fancy hat sometimes and hooking my thumbs into my suspenders and saying, 'well sir..." as if it were one word and looking and turning on the air conditioning so that when i get home it's a reasonable temperature inside and playing video games and practicing sword fighting and slicing the plantar warts off my feet and having a recurring dream about this house that me and some other people got stuck in and you could see out the windows to outside the house but the only way to get there was tunnelling under these stone arches that were full of very smooth tan pebbles that were not hard to get through (think of the plastic ball pit at an indoor jungle gym), but we had to go under so we couldn't see until we came up on the other side and when we got there we were just in another room that looked exactly the same and after a while we just decided to live there and we met the guy who owned it and he was watering plants and then i wake up and catching crabs in a bucket and exploring the caves on the other side of the beach and making gumbo and treating the bums in town like they don't exist and trying on hats at this store that has this gorgeous lady working at the counter and appologizing for hitting the children in my dune buggy and sleeping and cracking my toe knuckles and hanging out in the opium den and taking long walks and naming all the trees surrounding this one restaraunt i enjoy and swinging in this rad tire swing theat is seriously like, twenty feet of the ground and dipping most of the food i eat into tartar sauce or some other sauce that might be available when i'm at that restaraunt i like and getting drunk and setting off fireworks. i just don't have what it takes to get back out there right now. the men are starting to get restless. i might hand over control of the ship to that guy who very succesfully captained his own ship, the marauder, for a few years before he lost it in a game of cards and signed on with me and has been one of the most trustworthy and talented men on board. or maybe ned. definitely ned. that would be so funny!