a while ago the assistant chef convinced me that the most incredibly satisfying and delicious delicacy from his home country is this giant carnivorous nudibranch (a type of sea slug) that you have to eat live and swallow it without chewing. he asssured me that this was the
fanciest culinary pleasure that one could experience. so i took his word for it and i tried one with him staring at me wearing one of the strangest expressions i've ever witnessed. even while i was lowering the thing into my open mouth i began to realize that this bizarre little galleyman was up to something. one thing he didn't tell me about the process was that the slug starts shrieking when you get it close to your face. as it descends into the gullet it starts howling threats and some of the most hateful, vulgar and unusual profanities i have ever heard. the taste is not terrible. i would compare it to sauerkraut. it was distinctly
not the most astoundingly terrific sensory experience of my life. but the big problem was once fully swallowed the thing started biting my stomach. the assistant chef, velvety smooth, started snickering which turned to chuckling and eventually outright uncontrolable crying laughter. he was laughing so hard that he soiled himself, threw up and then, slipping in his own urine and vomit fell backward violently cracking his head into the deep fat fryer. at this point he was still shrieking with delight at my agony and i couldn't help but just stare at this impish, insane and extraordinarily happy man. as he tried to pull himself up through his crippling hilarity, he accidently pulled the fat fryer over spilling boiling fatty oil all over himself. he continued laughing even through this. his skin started peeling off like dead, pinkish, wet leaves. i was stunned at the spectacle. when he finally grabbed hold of the range and pulled himself up to his feet he took a moment to get his bearings (chuckling softly and wheezing from overexertion) and then started doing a little dance while pointing at me and singing a very childish song comparing me to excrement. he continued this dance and song for about 7 and a half hours. i was still stunned. then he turned to shake his rear end at me in a mocking fashion with his hands supporting his weight on the range and continued his little chant and then slipped turning the gas knob, igniting the flame and setting himself on fire. at this point he was completely engulfed in flames and the lyrics of his melody changed from "damion, damion the poopiest poop in the cupboard" to "im on fire now, im on fire now, damion has girlish hands." i could only look on in shocked silence. finally he ran laughing and laughing out of the galley and up the stairs to the main deck giving everyone he ran by hi-fives like he was in a high school pep rally, which is actually an almost literal analogy because on the main deck about 200 men had formed two rows across from each other leading to the rail on the side of the ship and velvety smooth ran through this gauntlet bent over giving low-fives now, all the way to the rail where he jumped off in a glorious fireball and just as he neared the surface of the sea a giant killer whale jumped out and ate him, waved to all of us and shouted "goodnight, brooklyn!" which i still don't understand, but everyone cheered so uproariously and for so long that it was as if they had witnessed the greatest band in history make it all the way to the superbowl, play the best set ever at halftime and then win in double overtime with a three point shot at the buzzer. i could even hear the pirates in the disguised bush-ship cheering. i should point out here that i have lost interest in the pirates because they really don't seem like they're going to do anything. we all agreed that velvety smooth was a hero and will be sorely missed. i posthumously promoted him to the rank of
assistant capitan numero uno.
so as i was saying i ate this slug and ever since then i have had terrible stomach problems, but today i puked it up and i feel much better.
